This is my kitchen table. It is minus the camera with which I took this picture. Before taking the picture, the camera with which I took this picture was on the kitchen table, along with all the rest of that junk. Really?
This is the way I live and it has become downright ridiculous.
In addition to the kitchen table, I have a desk in my bedroom that is much smaller but looks very similar.
Then, there is the office downstairs. In defense of myself, I will say that whatever I have in the office that actually belongs to my husband is in neat little piles. There are three piles… and that’s after doing an hour of filing…
I never intended for this blog to be a rant but I guess I’m going to cave right now and rant on. In the last few weeks I have experienced a slow, dawning realization that I am up against the wall of my own ADD. The wall has always been there. I’ve always been up against it. For most of my life, I have been able to manage. Not to the level that I would like but just enough. I rarely finish what I start. There are always too many irons in the fire. I’ve managed… sort of. But, I’m getting pretty sick of it. Sick of the mess, the confusion, the planning my work (at which I’m pretty good) and not really working the plan (at which I excel.) Same struggles, different day. I can no longer seem to manage in spite of the wall. Familiar frustration!
The latest issue of ADDitude Magazine has an article entitled Stand Up to Symptoms. In the article, author Katy Rollins speaks of “the minutia of daily life.” In speaking to non-ADHDers she says:
“Understand that the mundane details mean more to us than they do you. These are the devils that regularly frustrate us. You may not think these are real chores for us, but that’s the point. It is in the nature of ADHD, and its impact of people’s lives, that the small things are difficult, that we must approach them mechanically… ADHD isn’t about the big disruptive things that people do. It’s best defined by the little things that shouldn’t be so hard.”
I never saw it in those terms. And, yet, that is exactly the way it is and always has been.
As I have circled around the thought of trying to figure out yet another way to get it together so that I can home school the boy, have a life and stay sane, one thing has become quite apparent. I am resisting the planning of my work because I know in my heart of hearts that I will not be able to carry it out. My kitchen table does not change, no matter how hard I try to make it different.
It’s time to turn to treatment process to myself.
I shall see my doctor about meds and I shall look into a coach of some sort for myself. I’ve often joked that an ADD mom homeschooling her ADHD child is like the blind leading the blind. It’s become not so funny. I shall turn the treatment process to myself. That’s my plan…